What it takes…

A few weeks ago I asked myself “What is it going to take for me to stop eating the foods that make me sick?!”  I try and try, and I tell myself that this time will be the last time I eat some cheese, or ice cream, or gluten free bread made with milk.  But it never happens.  I’ve been doing this for years, and haven’t been able to stick with it more than a week.  I could spend hours psychoanalyzing myself and all the reasons why I haven’t been able to do it.  Maybe it’s because I feel limited enough because of my gf diet, maybe because I’m afraid it won’t really work and I won’t feel any better eating the way I should.  I don’t know…  but it doesn’t matter now, because shortly after asking myself that exasperating question, something happened that changed everything.

My son, Nathan, has been a very squirmy and grunty baby since birth.  Lately it has gotten worse, and we were starting to think it was diet related, my diet that is.  First course of action, probiotics.  If that didn’t work, we’d start eliminating things from my diet – dairy being the number one suspect.  For the first week I gave him his probiotics, not much changed but we wanted to give it some extra time.  At the begining of the next week I went against my instincts and had a delicious gluten free pizza, and it was loaded with cheese.  I ate at least half of this pizza, it was so good!  That night, after feeding Nathan, he forcefully vomited the entire contents of his stomach all over me and the couch.  We were soaked, and I mean completely soaked.  I didn’t know that much could come out of a baby so small.  He was only a few weeks old!  I was completely horrified and felt like the world’s worst mom, sure this was my fault.  I looked at Ryan and said “I’m not eating any more dairy!”, and this time, I knew I meant it.

Changing my diet for myself is very different than doing it for Nathan.  He doesn’t deserve to be sick from something I’m eating.  Whenever I am tempted, I just remember how I felt when I saw him sick.  I am proud to say that he hasn’t had another incident since then, and I have not had any dairy or soy or chocolate (unless by accident) either, and it has been almost 3 weeks!  He has been feeling better, and so have I.  I feel like I have finally gotten myself on the road to health.