Own This Change

I am the only one who sees it.  The red puffy eyes.  The way he pulls his arms in to his body, rubbing them across his shirt to relieve some of the itch.  The constant scratching.  The tears that well up when the cold morning air burns his eyes.  The little red spots that pop up on his wrists, threatening to spread across his body should I miss one application of Derma-Smoothe.   I see it.  Every time I look at his face.  Every time his sweet little voice asks me a question.  Every time he wraps his arms around me for a hug.  I see it.  I feel it.  I want to stop it.

I am the only one who feels it.  The fuzzy fog that inhabits my mind.  The solid rock that sits at the pit of my stomach.  The phantom ache in each and every unused muscle, craving exactly what it lacks.   The incessant guilt that grows each time I miss a daily vitamin or skip a meal, a known deprivation my body cannot take.   The toxic fear of impending illness or disease.  The silent knowing.  Of what I need to change.  Of what I need to do.   The looming question.  Of  how, exactly, to go about changing my earthly life.

My new mantra: Own This Change.

I am working to do just that.  I feel like pieces of the puzzle are falling into place before my eyes, and I’m getting more excited by the day.

Yesterday morning I spent some time at a friend’s house (thanks Marianna!), watching and learning as she prepared her own cashew milk, almond milk, and raw vegan cream cheese.  She served chia seeds with cashew milk, and I even got to try some home made chips she made in her dehydrator.   It was all delicious.  Even my 14 month old couldn’t get enough of it.   I left her house with some yummy recipes and lots of references for books and websites.

One of the things I wrote about trying as part of my {Project Be} was the vegan diet.  I hadn’t thought about taking it even further and going raw.  But now I am.  Thinking about it, at least.  I’m just beginning my research, and I can’t wait to learn more.

**note: Yes.  I changed the blog name.  Again.  I am too excited about all the things I have planned.  And –  I wanted a reminder of that excitement every time I look at my website.  So there.  **